This memorial website was created in the memory of our loved one, Chase Zeigler who was born in New Jersey on July 16, 2007 and passed away on July 16, 2007 . We will remember him forever. 

On Thanksgiving Day, 2006 we found out that Chase would be entering our lives.  We were so happy.  Then on July 16, 2007 Chase was stillborn 4 days before he was to be born.  He was 8 pounds 5 oz, and looked like a sleeping baby.  We love you

and miss what could have been.  Your are with Jesus in Heaven, playing with all the other "angel" babies, you are in a place where there is no sorrow or pain.  We will see you there one day.

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I just wanted to remember my son Chase on the day that changed my life forever. Last year on July 16th, my world changed as I knew it. My precious, active son died 4 days before he was to be born. It has been a long year of trying to process what has happened as well as gather the strength to move on in my new “normal”. I always felt bad for people who lost someone but you never truly realize the devastation that it actually creates. I am so much more sympathetic now then I ever was. Losing a child is like losing part of your future. Just imagine if one of your kids was taken from you that is what it feels like for me. How would you feel with that one missing? It is beyond ones imagination.

I have learned to suck up my tears and cry into my pillow at night, because that is what I have to do to move on. I have to push my son to the back of my mind and not let myself go to the depths of that raw grief. People tend to forget that this is a life long loss not a few months and so I do a good deal of hiding how I feel. I have met a wonderful support system online called www.silentgrief.com it is an amazing group of women who have gone through losses.

But I also can say on the more positive note I have become a more compassionate person. I am seeking to be a better person all the time. I am so thankful for my daughter she is SUCH a blessing, without her things would be even worse. I know there are many women out there that would love one child. I also am so thankful to God for bringing little Aiden into our lives. I truly believe maybe Chase was born to be that thread to connect us to Aiden. There is a wise tale in China about the red thread, connecting people to each other. He will be so truly loved and cherished. We are so happy to be starting this new chapter in our lives in September. Beyond words is all I can say about that….blessings from above. I can’t wait to hold Aiden in my arms and tell him how much he has been loved even without being here.
Today, Taylor wanted to get Chase a birthday card at the Hallmark store to put on his grave under a stone we have there. She picked one of Snoopy out, and had me read it to her… It talked about the firsts that he has done this year, I was really almost in tears as I know there were no “firsts“. But she is in such another frame of mind - she is like that is PERFECT. She really has a way of putting things in perspective. She once told me that when Chase died God opened up the clouds and angels brought him through. I was like WOW, and here I have been trying to shield her from his death. That’s the hardest thing when she asked me WHY? Why mom did he die? I heard her tell her friend that he drank to much milk in my tummy, this made me smile. She has had to deal with her dad away for so long and the death of a brother in a year, I can’t say enough about her being so “big” and SO SO positive. It is amazing to look at things from a childs view.
This Sunday at church our pastor talked about going out and doing things for others and stop thinking about yourselves. He asked the congregation what have you done in this last year for other people? That is what I would like to continue to build on. Doing something positive with my life. I feel a calling and not sure what that will be but I am praying about it. I am working with http://www.lovewithoutboundaries.com/ and supporting their causes. They help so many children and are a totally legit agency. We also will be donating some things in Chases name to a home for unwed mothers tomorrow. It is just a little something I can do.
So Happy Birthday Chase. Know that your mom, dad, sister and grandparents are thinking of you. This day is so so hard. I have been putting it out of my mind but the feelings are all there. I love you and I hope that you and all the other angel babies are doing well in Heaven and having a little party.
As I was walking up to the cash register today at that Hallmark store I was trying to hold back my tears as I was buying this card for Chase from Taylor. I look down and this beautiful box was there and this is what it said…. I have to believe my angel put that there just for me to read.

6/6/2008

Thinking of you so much little guy.  Last year at this time I was getting bigger and bigger and I was rubbing my belly feeling your strong kicks. It has been incredibly hard this last month. It is hard to believe it will be a year next month. Yes, I have learned to live with my new normal but how do you forget a child who died right before birth? How do you go out in public and see boys with their dads and not think about we are missing. It is just so hard. People move on and forget you are still hurting or act like something is wrong for hurting.  I just think about you every night before I go to bed and think about what could have been.  I love you so much Chase.

5/11/2008

Just thinking of you Chase on Mother Day.  Thank God for your sister who has been such a blessing to me.  It still doesn't take away the loss of you though.  It is like one of my body parts are missing.  But what can I do?  Just go on but there isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think of you.  It is something that you can look forward toward positive things but there is no erasing the fact that I lost a full term child.  I still ask God why?  I just have to believe there is a bigger plan.  I just wanted to say I love you Chase and wish you were here with me celebrating Mothers Day.

4/16/2008

Just remembering you little guy. It is hard to believe it has been 9 months that I held you.  9 months - wow I was pregnant for 9 months, felt your kicks - oh how I wish I would have cherished them even more.  Just know you are in my thoughts so much.  I know you must be having a good time starting to walk in Heaven and playing with all the other little angels.  I just miss you thats all.   

3/16/2008

8 months today.  It is hard to believe that about this time 8 months ago I was ready to give birth to you.  It is still so surreal but I know you are in a safe place.  Tonight I was sitting in church just wondering about you.  People seem to move on with their life and I have to, but you never forget or get on.  It is just a new normal to live by.  I just want you to know I love you so much and miss you everyday.  Love Mom

3/12/2008Just missing you little guy.  I just look at your picture and just wonder how or why this has happened.  There is no forgetting or getting on with life.  The pain may not be as sharp but the thought of the pain of losing you never does.  I miss you so much and what I am going to miss out by not having you.  Just wanted you to know how much I miss you and wish you were here with us.  Love mom

 2/27/2008 Dear Chase,It is now 7 months later, and although the pain is not quite as raw as it once was there is not an hour that goes by in my day that I don't think of you.  I miss what other moms have at this time.  They have a boy or girl who is learning to pull themself up or learning to walk.  I guess you are running though in heaven, I just can't see it.  Other moms now are seeing their children recognizing their voices and crying when they walk away.  You will never know your mothers voice here of earth.  Maybe you hear it in spirit?  People ask how I am doing.  I am doing as well as one can for burying a perfectly healthy child that she carried for nine months.  I thank God for giving me the strength to get by day by day and to be a mom to Taylor.  I thank God he has given me the strength to go on and adopt, but that doesn't stop the grieving of the loss of you.  Another child, is a great blessing to your family but like my cousin Monica said, just because you have two arms and you lose one - you still miss the one you lost even though you have one left.  That is how I feel.  It is an empty hollow feeling of just living at times.  I just want you to know I love and miss you.  I just hope you are in Heaven with Poppop Hoshauer & Poppop Boyer, and Grandpa Zeigler & Olsen.  I hope you have alot of love up there in the pearly gates of heaven.  Maybe catching butterflies. 

Maybe you were born for a reason.  A reason to have us all appreciate life and how we should live.  Maybe it is a wake up call to live the best life now and not worry about pleasing everyone and worry about our family.  Most importantly I feel that this experience has made me closer to God then ever.  I know it could have pushed me away but God is the only person I can cry out to when I am at the lowest points, and there are low points.  God never fails, although we do.  I just felt like writing you today.  Your dad is overseas right now, I hope you are his guardian angel.  I love you Chase, I am sorry you could not be here for me to tell you this, but I trust you know.   Love mom.

I'd Pick More Daisies

If I had to live my life over again,
I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.
I'd relax. I would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.

I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances. I would take more trips.
I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.

I would perhaps have more actual troubles,
but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who live seriously and sanely,
hour after hour, day after day.

Oh, I've had my moments. And if I had it to do over again,
I'd have more of them.

In fact, I'd try to have nothing else, just moments, one after another,
instead of living so many years ahead of each day.

I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without
a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute.
If I had it to do again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had to live my life over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring
and stay that way later in the fall.

I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies.

Just For Today

Just for today, I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it just one day at a time.

Just for today, I will remember my child's life, not his death , and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.

Just for today, I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.

Just for today, I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today, I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can comfort each other.

Just for today, I will free myself from my self inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.

Just for today, I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child because I know that would have made my own child proud.

Just for today, I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent, for I do know how they feel.

Just for today, when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving, and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.

Just for today, I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and to have had my child for as long as I did.

Just for today, I will accept that I did not die when my child died. My life did go on and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.
`By Vicky Tushingham from Alive Alone


Don’t Think I Do Not Grieve
Don’t think I do not feel;
because you see no tears.
A river rages deep inside
of grief, and loss, and fears.

Just because I do not cry now,
don’t think my heart’s not broken.
I keep inside the misery
of words not to be spoken.

Sometimes I smile, or crack a joke,
so you won’t see the pain;
or notice how my hands will shake,
or how I’ve gone insane.

Each time I chance to think of her,
my heart is ripped asunder.
The loss I feel is mine alone.
you will not see my thunder.


What Makes A Mother?
-Anonymous*
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come strait here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"

You're A Special Little Spirit

"You're a Special Little Spirit," the all great Master said,
As he gently caressed the wavy brown hair of the Little Spirit's Head.
"you need to go to Earth to spend some time, you know,
A place I send most Spirits to be tested, to learn, to grow.


The Little Spirit, in sadness, slowly bowed her head,
And from her eye a tear did steal and down her cheek it shed.
"Don't you fret now little one, I won't let you stay too long,
I'll bring you back to help me here, You'll hardly know you've been gone.
You're my choicest Little Spirit, you're the apple of my eye."
And he wiped the tear and gently kissed His Little Spirit good-bye.


"I'm back," the Little Spirit whispered, as she climbed onto her Master's knee,
And the Master said, "I told you, you would not be long away from me."
And then, the Lord, He noticed still another tear welled in her eye.
"Why are you so sad, Little Spirit, whatever should make you cry?"

"I'm glad I'm back," the Spirit said, "but Master you must surely know,
When your angel came to get me, I didn't want to go.
I know you said you needed me and that I'd be gone the shortest while,
But Lord, couldn't I have had a little longer earthly trial?"


The Master let the Little Spirit slip down from His knee,
He firmly took the little hand and said,"Come walk with me."
The Little Spirit and her Lord walked slowly hand in hand,
As the Master explained Her special part in the great and marvelous plan.

"Now Lord, I don't mean to argue, I understand you need me home.
But I left in such a hurry, I left everyone hurting and so alone.
I didn't let my earthly parents know how much I loved them so.
I was much too small to tell them, Lord, how will they ever know?
They feel they've been cheated, and in a way so do I.
Not getting to share any more than we did, how can I ever tell them why?"

"Little Spirit, I know your heart is heavy with the message you need to share.
But you need not worry anymore, I'll watch over your loved ones there.
I'll send them loving comfort as a strong and helping hand.
I'll content and give peace to their aching hearts, so they will understand.


The Little Spirit looked up at her Master and said "Thank you for explaining it to me.
And could you please tell them I'm safe and happy and that someday they'll be here with me."

"Yes," said the Lord with a smile and a nod, "I'll tell them all that I can."
Then the others came to see the Little Spirit, as the Lord let go of her hand.
He said, "I'll tell them you're pure, as pure as Heaven's Gold,
That I needed the warmth of your perfect soul to keep Heaven from getting cold."